My god she’s good.
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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water