[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
How actors in movies eat their food
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#TopTip
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.