“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
You Might Also Like
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
This kid is going places