*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
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I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
another case of gang violins
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?