me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
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*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Fries, not lies.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.