Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
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If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE