[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
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“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Favourite diary entry ever