[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
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I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg