you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
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One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.