Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit