Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
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I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.