i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
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I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
felt that
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
couldn’t resist
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.