Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Only Americans understand
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.