When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Monday
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*