I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
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If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
me: my friends:
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.