5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
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Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.