Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.