Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
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The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
When libraries troll their patrons.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
adding to the discourse
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*