If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
According to math, I’m broke
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people