Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.