When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
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Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no