I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
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Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…