escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
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To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
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{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked