Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
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My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz