I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
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Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Made something I’m not proud of
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.