The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
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Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
🤣could you imagine
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
yea so i messed up lol
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit