Found the job I’m suited for
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My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
it must be school picture day
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.