Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
wtf is an acronym
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Netflix: We have Less