I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
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Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My favorite female superhero
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
can’t bark with your mouth full
How to properly lift a body
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace