Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby