When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
i- i did not expect this
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.