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My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.