[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
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take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.