I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard