Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
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Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2