Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
lost dog
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.