I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Would you wear it?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate