ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
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When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine