Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
You Might Also Like
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1