[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
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I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
The French word for sex is croissant.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*