When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
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Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen