“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
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Yes, this is exactly right
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
181.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
stop
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.