Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
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Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.