You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you鈥檙e her 4th
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
If you鈥檙e not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I believe this with my whole heart 馃拃馃
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn鈥檛 so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I don鈥檛 think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
all that yoga finally paid off
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn鈥檛 raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.