excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
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I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Has science gone too far?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
What if all the cashiers are married?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.