You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD