“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
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Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?