Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
You Might Also Like
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.