[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I know this now 😂
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.