[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
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under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.